Approximately two hours ago I took the trip to my local EB Games to pick up the hotly anticipated (by me and my Civ-playing friends, at least) Civilization: Revolution on the 360.

Holy crap. That was the worst decision of my Civ career.

I decided a long time ago that I was going to give Revolution (hereby known as CivRev) a chance. Workers are gone? Alright, that’s acceptable, maybe it’ll streamline gameplay. The game I’ve played for years with a keyboard and mouse has been squeezed onto a controller? Okay, fine sir, I’m sure the fine people at Firaxis can make it work.

I decided about thirty minutes ago that giving it a chance was a waste of $60.

First, I tried the multiplayer. I’ve invested many a night in Civ multiplayer with my friends, and I was trying, really trying, to give CivRev a chance. So I figured multiplayer would be the best way to start it off. I invited my friend in, set a few (probably useless) options, put us on a team against (supposedly) two AIs, and started away.

At first, it all went well. Things were going good. Until I discovered Gandhi. Now, you see, Gandhi was a peace loving man. Why, then, did the only option available to me, dialogue-wise, take me to war with him?! A bug, I say! Oh. What’s this? Montezuma has found me (even though neither my ally or I have seen him)? Oh? He’s declared war on me? A bug, I say!

Oh, hello Napoleon. No–wait. There’s only–what the hell?! There was supposed to only be four Civilizations in this game! Yes, it’s true. In my very first multiplayer game I had encountered what I’ll now call a “ghost.” A non-existant leader whom every message he sends gets sent to all players. Yes, Napoleon. I know you’re talking to Montezuma. Why, then, must I read your message, you damn specter?!

Ugh. Okay. After about 45 minutes, my friend and I decide that the multiplayer is a buggy mess. Maybe single-player will be better, we hope, but at this point I’ve already suggested going back to a good ol’ Civ IV: BTS game. He convinces me to give single-player a chance.

Alright, I’ll play this game how it looks like it was intended to be played. I quit out to the main menu and press “Play Now.” I choose ol’ Honest Abe, my personal favorite leader, and jump in. Since I’m trying to give this game a fresh chance, I turn on tutorials. Maybe I’ll get their perspective. I also turn off the god-foresaken “Advisor Simlish” that has for some reason infiltrated this game (it’s not even a damn EA game!).

Everything goes (relatively) well for a while, until rival civilizations start demanding things from me. This is a RARE occurence in the other Civ games, and it happens about every six turns in the early stages of this game. It’s stupid and only serves to fan the flames of war. I like war, but only in the later stages, when I’ve built up my army and researched so many technologies that I can take down anyone. In the beginning, I like a lot of diplomacy, and that just isn’t an option in this game. Maybe that’s more realistic? I don’t know, but it ain’t Civ.

I’m incredibly dissapointed with this bastardization of Civilization that Firaxis has provided us with. It’s mostly a buggy mess, and when it isn’t, it’s just not Civ. However, this is only one editor’s opinion. Look for a full review, by fellow longtime Civver Tyler Hoffman, in the coming days. Personally? I’m taking mine back and buying the Titan Quest expansion at a nice budget price.

(Update: Tyler’s review went up, and I have to say that I agree with it entirely–if you’re a Civver, stay away from this pile.)