Don’t open The Box.

Game Info

Developer: Spark Unlimited
Publisher: Gamecock Media Group
Release Date: November 4, 2008
Genre: First-person shooter
Available Platforms: Xbox 360, PS3, PC
Modes: Singleplayer, competitive online
Reviewer’s Experience: Played to the final level of the single-player game on PC. Multiplayer modes not tested due to lack of players and reliable servers.

Throughout the long and arduous process of building the latest iteration of my gaming PC, I discovered that I was building up quite a stock of free games. One of which was Far Cry 2, which is far too boring to even deserve any kind, taste, or flavor of review. The other was the (Arguably. -Ed.) legendary Legendary: The Box, henceforth referred to as Legendary.

Now, before I go on a never-ending rant, let me talk about some of the nice things about this game. The graphics are pretty good, I’d say a little bit below, oh, what’s a game that all of you peons who might actually read this would know? Let’s use BioShock, mostly because both games utilize Epic Games’ Unreal Engine 3. Now, BioShock was released upon the world in mid-ish-2007, whereas The Box was opened back in late 2008, so I will do my best to take into account the numerous engine updates that can come within such a timeframe. Either way, it’s still fairly pretty, albeit with no antialiasing, something that has always hurt my view of Unreal Engine.

The one main thing I’d like to point out about the graphics in this game is the astounding use of nVIDIA’s PhysX technology. Cloths sway in the breeze, buildings crumble as griffons fly into buildings to grab the nearest meal. Possibly the most amazing thing I saw throughout my whole adventure with this game is whilst fighting a massive Kraken in London, it grabbed Big Ben with one of its tentacles and ripped the building down. I literally messed my pants when I saw that. Cleaning myself up, let’s move on to the story.

Ahem, so, story, uhh, well, there’s this guy, he’s a thief, his name’s Charles Deckard, and he has to steal Pandora’s Box and do…something with it. Basically, upon this happening, the proverbial shit hits the fan, except the shit is made of mythological creatures. From there it’s up to Deckard and his random blonde girlfriend whose name I can’t remember to set off and save the world. There’s not much else, something about warring ancient secret societies and you go to London and…yeah. Listen, I won’t bore you with the details, the story is by no means what you should play this game for, as it definitely surpasses the qualifications of what the common folk call “retarded”.

OK, gameplay time. It is a first person shooter. It has guns, some grenades, and, oh, molotovs. Refreshing.

Is it blatantly obvious that I’m rushing through this review? Well to be quite honest, I didn’t even finish the damn game. As I discovered on the very last level, the elevator that’s supposed to take you to the top of the Combine Citadel in beautiful City 17, er, I’m sorry, the Black Order Tower in the middle of a destroyed and gleefully boring New York City, well…let’s just say that it doesn’t exist, at least for me. Upon entering the elevator, I immediately fell out into the nice, red, bloody skybox to my imminent doom. Yeah, this happened a couple times, so I happily surrendered to the bad game gods and started writing this piece of shit.

Overall, I’d have to say my favorite part of this game was the nap I took a few hours ago whilst trying to beat it. It’s buggy, it’s boring, but it would make a good tech demo if they boosted the quality of the textures and added some anitaliasing to this otherwise meh game. It has the makings of a quality cult-following kind of game, but it’s definitely understandable as to why it couldn’t compete in the bigger markets. In the end, I give this game a “meh (with nod),” sparking that I’d say it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve played for a while and I’d recommend it if you’re impatiently awaiting some big release (as I know I am) and you’ve got an extra 10 bucks lying around.

And that’s the last time I’ll be using the full title.

As much as I’d love to do a full review of the title, I don’t have the time. So I’ll simply talk about it for a bit.

F.E.A.R. 2 is a solid current-gen corridor shooter with a high level of polish, beautiful graphics, and a bit of a convoluted story. That is all.

No, I wouldn’t do that. Let’s start by talking about graphics and aesthetics.

F.E.A.R. was something of an intermediary step in generations. Though it used parallax mapping and real-time effects well, we look on it today as having fairly low-resolution textures, along with aliasing problems and shadows too hard for their own good.

F.E.A.R. 2 is different. It’s a wholly current-gen game. The lighting model is well done, antialiasing works evenly, it runs well on computers of all specs, and the textures are basically all high-res. I do miss the flying concrete dust, and, as many have complained, the bullet holes seem significantly downgraded (in FEAR, they appeared almost 3D–here they fall quite literally flat); but these problems are insignificant to the whole picture of a beautiful game.

That’s the graphics for you. Now, let’s talk about gameplay.

FEAR2 is strictly a corridor shooter. There’s almost no puzzle solving, and a minimal amount of exploration. That being said, it’s a damn fun corridor shooter. I never finished the first FEAR. It never sucked me in. This one has, and I actually finished it. It’s pretty rare that I finish a game.

The guns feel like guns, here, whereas in the original I found them a bit flimsy. There’s also a few key incredible setpieces–like one sequence where you battle Replica forces on tram cars speeding through a miles-long cargo tunnel. If you like the introductory train sequence of games like Half-Life and the second, imagine battling another train car as you ride into Black Mesa. Only the train cars can pivot. It’s been done before, definitely, but here’s it’s done quite well.

The scares here, unfortunately, don’t return. Much like Condemned 2, much of the scare factor from the original game has been removed. Alma no longer scares me. There are a few jumps, but nothing compared to Condemned 1 or a few moments in FEAR (like the Alma-at-the-top-of-your-ladder bit). They try very hard to get a rise out of you, but mostly fall flat.

In brief, Project Origin is damn solid. It’s fun, if a bit heavy-handed, but with incredibly solid gunplay and a spit-shine level of professional polish. It took me about 10.6 hours to complete, from pressing play to the ending credits. I’d recommend it.

Also: about that ending. WT-royal-F. If anyone knows what the hell went on, email me.

Game Info

Developer: Kojima Productions
Publisher: Konami
Release Date: June 12, 2008
Genre: Action/Adventure/”Stealth”(HA!)
Available Platforms: PS3
Modes: Single Player (includes “Metal Gear Online” for multiplayer, which will not be reviewed in this article)
Reviewer’s Experience: Played through the Campaign

Metal Gear Solid is a long-lived Action/Adventure series developed by Hideo Kojima. The “4th” entry in the series, called “Guns of the Patriots”, puts you in control of Old Snake: a young soldier who has suffered the results of rapid aging, causing him to bear the semblance of an old man. Snake’s mission is to find the man called “Liquid Snake”, and to stop him from taking over the world! In between Snake and Liquid lies hundreds of mercenaries and a handful of massive mechanical foes who all must be dispatched for Snake to succeed.

Gameplay:

The game supposedly centers around employing stealth to reach your objective, but the need to use stealth is not really necessary at all past the first level. Soon after the start of the game you are awarded a tranquilizer pistol with infinite ammo. In one shot, an enemy will be snoozing on the floor. By some rare chance another enemy actually notices his unconscious buddy on the ground, he’ll stumble over to it and stare at it for a good 10 seconds before actually doing anything… which gives you plenty of time to put him to sleep as well.
If, for some reason, you don’t want to use this tranquilizer pistol on every enemy in the game, never fear, because old man snake is able to hold and use all kinds of different weapons: from M4s to Javelin Missiles. For an old man, he sure is able to carry a TON of stuff (quite literally) and still remain quiet. So, if by some miracle an enemy actually detects you, you need not worry because they are as dumb as a pile of bricks, and you have a massive arsenal to use on them.
If you actually want to use stealth, then you can do that too! Old Snake is equipped with a neat suit of camo which blends in with every environment, which can easily fool and confuse enemies. You can also use cardboard boxes and metal barrels to hind under, but be warned: enemies magically seem to know you are under them, and if they so much as breath upon your cover, it’ll disappear.
Beyond actual tactics, the game has fairly fluid controls. The cover system isn’t that great, but you’ll hardly be using it anyway, and it’s a nice addition. Gun controls work well, and character movement is responsive most of the time.

Presentation:

This game looks and sounds good. The sounds are all pretty realistic, and aren’t overused or annoying (save for Snake’s grunt sound when he gets hurt). The sound design really contributes well to the atmosphere of the game. Now the graphics aren’t quite as marvelous as the sound, but they are pretty good. The models look fantastic, but some of the textures are really flat and blurry. The graphics don’t hurt the game, but don’t utilize the full power of the PS3, either (see Uncharted).

Story:

This game has a touching and involving story with believable characters (most of the time) and a number of memorable scenes. I’m not sure why Kojima tried to include a half-baked backstory behind each of the mechanical bosses in the game, because they really did not contribute anything to the main plot, and seemed really uncreative and redundant. Some cut-scenes also seemed to be redundant and generally useless in supporting the main plot. At times, the characters seemed to ramble on about the same thing over and over again, and nearly put me to sleep. The plot, on a whole, is intriguing and clever, and is one of the best in recent video game history.

Overall Impression:

Metal Gear Solid 4 is a great, and much-needed game for the PS3 library, and should be enjoyed by anyone who plays it. The first couple of hours or so don’t really draw you in, but once you get past that the game is really addictive and enjoyable, and will excite you from start to finish.

Why, Sid, why?

Game Info

Developer: Firaxis
Publisher: 2K Games
Release Date: July 9, 2008
Genre: Turn-based strategy/God game
Available Platforms: Xbox 360, PS3, DS
Modes: Singleplayer, cooperative and competitive online
Reviewer’s Experience: Played several games of varying difficulties on the Xbox 360, both singleplayer and multiplayer. Demo played on the PS3. DS version not reviewed at this time.
Editor’s Note: The screenshots on this page are from the official website, however, we can vouch for them–unlike Haze the game actually looks like this, when it isn’t lagging like a bitch.

Lately I’ve found myself caught in a rather interesting trend that I’m sure many others are stuck in as well. It starts out with a good idea, (port Civilization to current generation consoles), continues with anticipation, (”This is the game I’ve always wanted to make.”-Sid Meier), and ends with a hot, steamy plate of pure shit. If you’ve managed to put together what I’m talking about, get yourself a cookie, if not, slap your mother and go hide in a corner. What I’m speaking of obviously is the latest adventures of world renowned God-Game Civilization, and it’s newest incarnation, Civilization Revolution.

Let me simply start this bound-to-be-misguided rant by simply stating that I am a LONG time Civ fanatic, dating back to Civ 3, which I played at my sister’s boyfriend’s house because they were too busy making out on the couch to give a fuck what I was doing. From there I was hooked, and after the purchase of every Civ-related game under the Sun since, I decided it was only right to make with the purchase of civilization Revolution, especially after hearing the roaring reviews and praise from it’s own developers. What drove me to trust any developers word is beyond me, but otherwise the idea of it seemed sound…in the beginning.

Quickly as more and more information became available I came to realize that this new life-sucking demon about to enter my world was in fact, nothing like the warm, cuddly life-sucking demon I had come to know and love on my personal computer. It began with simple things, like a lack of workers, and swiftly erupted into “OMG WE’RE SO GONNA GET GAME OF THE YEAR FOR THE MULTIPLAYER”, to those who believe this, I simply say, no. If you’re on the hunt for this year’s hottest multipleyer strategy game, look elsewhere, I literally cried at how bad this game ended up. It’s buggy, confusing, and overall a bad experience.

Let me simply state how horrible the experience was (in terms of multiplayer of course) by pasting here the Skype chat that took place between Zac “Kato” North and I “2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER]” prior and following our attempt at this game.

[3:51:40 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: les go
[3:51:52 PM] Zac says: ready when j00 are
[3:51:57 PM] Zac says: we’ll use live chat, k?
[3:52:01 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: k
[3:52:10 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: no comp close enoguh anyway
[3:52:11 PM] Zac says: moving to living room
[3:52:16 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: k
[5:26:41 PM] Zac says: jesus christ that’s a terrible game
[5:26:44 PM] Zac says: I might take it bvack
[8:42:22 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: *sigh* why does everything being released lately just seem to end up a huge disappointment?
[8:42:43 PM] Zac says: dunno
[8:42:46 PM] Zac says: yuo seemed to play for a bit
[8:43:05 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: i actually played through a whole game
[8:43:12 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: gawd
[8:43:14 PM] Zac says: and did it suck?
[8:43:22 PM] Zac says: lol I wrote impressions at VN, leaving the review to you
[8:43:42 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: not absolutely, but it definitely doesnt FEEL like civ
[8:43:56 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: ya know what?
[8:43:59 PM] 2Lt. T. Hoffman [2nd AER] says: bts? [Ed: Referring to the current edition of Civilization 4, Beyond the Sword.]

If that doesn’t sum it up, I don’t know what does.

Before you say anything, you simple-minded hoodlums, let me state that, yes, I did play the single player, yes, it was boring, and no, I will not kill your dog for you.

Simply because I am required by law, I will state a few nice things about this game. It’s pretty (compared to Civ 4, which was released back in ‘05), has a decent control interface (it actually does compared to the crap I’m used to with strategy games on consoles), and it’s dumbed down enough for all the consoletards out there who wanna think they’re cool.

Overall, I give this game a resounding “*grumble*”

Please note that I only played the Xbox 360 version, and while I’m sure the PS3 version is about the same, the DS can go fuck itself [Ed: The DS versions sucks equally, although it is pretty for a DS game. There might be a short review of this forthcoming.]. Also, the term *grumble* is and always will be under my personal copyright of use it and I will kick your ass.

If you want more on the multiplyer I definitely recommend reading Zac’s article, as he basically covers all the feelings we had with several bugs in the game.

Game Info

Developer: Free Radical Design
Publisher: Ubisoft
Release Date: May 20, 2008
Genre: First-person shooter
Available Platforms: PS3
Modes: Singleplayer, cooperative and competitive online
Reviewer’s Experience: Played single-player campaign through on normal with co-op. Tested competitive multiplayer.
Author’s Note: The screenshots on this page are from the official website. Enjoy them while you can, because the game never looks like this. The textures are muddy, the particle effects bad, the characters last-gen. My guess as to why? These pictures were taken back when the game was running unoptimized on the PC.

What’s Great:

• Coop. They say co-op can save a bad game, and here it’s true. Co-op is fun when you’re playing with someone you like–but isn’t that always the case?

What’s Not:

This game never had a chance. The graphics are trash, the AI is trash, the dialogue is trash, the paper-thin competitive multiplayer is trash. This isn’t even worth a rental.

It seems as though WoW’s walked away unscathed yet again.

Game Info

Developer: Funcom
Publisher: Funcom and Eidos Interactive
Release Date: May 20, 2008
Genre: MMORPG
Available Platforms: PC
Modes: Online only
Reviewer’s Experience: Played to level 25 on several classes across two servers.
Author’s Note: I hope you enjoy the inaugural review. Please, email or comment me any crits that you have.

What’s Great:

• First 20 levels are entirely voice-acted. This means that the game’s intro is spectacular–and, honestly, quite deceiving of most of the game’s quality.
• Single-player intro makes you feel like part of the story from the beginning, defeating the evil Red Hand on Tortage, although grinding in the multiplayer areas is recommended before facing these quests.
• Graphics shine for a MMORPG, especially in the detailed character models and forests. In this of age WoW, it’s impressive.
• Innovative “Real Combat” system is one of the few areas that shines past the intro. Directional attacks string together into combos. This is what will keep you coming back–grinding is no longer quite as boring.
• Player-built cities and strongholds are a pretty cool promise, and fairly well-executed.

What’s Not:

• Illusions of grandeur fall apart after first 20 levels. There’s not a single voice-acted quest after you  get off of the starting island, Tortage. You quickly fall into “fetch X of Y for Z” quest patterns.
• PVP griefing. Although this is a problem that plagues almost every game (MMORPG or not), some of the choices for PVP zones in this game were…questionable, to say the least. The tavern where I have six quests shouldn’t be a PVP zone. The village where you learn crafting shouldn’t be a PVP zone. It’s pretty frustrating, especially for melee characters, who often get killed by trick-arrow gankers.

Although these may seem like fairly minor grievances, I found myself quickly after the first area thinking, “This is WoW with a new coat of paint!” Though the developers promise new “destiny quests”–a voice acted quest every level–and changes to the PVP system, I have to wonder how many have already been lost, how many possible converts have gone back to WoW because of friends or whatever. Me, I’m going to stick with the game–I’m not a WoW player, and I’ve got nothing better to do. I’ll keep this article updated if it improves.

Overall, I think that Age of Conan starts out incredibly. The beginning really has the makings of a spectacular MMORPG. I just think that this one should’ve spent a little more time in the cooker. Maybe, in the future, it’ll be great. For now, all I hope is that some better game will come along and build upon Conan’s core mechanics–the excellent Real Combat system, which keeps combat interesting, and the story-driven introduction. Until then, well, WoW, you can keep your place on the pedestal of MMORPG God status.